No need to live in doubt

The tough moments of life shake us to our foundations. Because these moments come tailor-made, it looks like no one will ever understand. This sets us up in frenzy. And as we turn every corner, we consciously or otherwise tend to look for solutions. These solutions, we seek never seem to be on time. And so we set ourselves up against the tide, and become forlorn. This is where we become vulnerable and retreat only into our world.

When doubt sets in, it can become a huge struggle to shake it off. For us, the world is as ‘it is’ - always setting us up against ourselves. We refuse to see the world as ‘it should be’. We lose track of our surroundings. We stop dreaming. We refuse to believe. “Whatever will be, will be,” we declare to ourselves.

Doubt set us up to brood over life. We forget that life itself has been designed for ups and downs. And that our down moments don’t have strangle-holds on our up moments. Most times we doubt because we have allowed circumstances and happenstances erode our faith -our self confidence and our God confidence. We try to put the puzzle together and never seem to do it right. We try to get answers from outside sources that are at best ephemeral.

Doubt can set us up to self destruct. We can fall prey to vices such as pornography, stealing, smoking, drinking, sex and the likes. Really, doubt in all of its ramifications is the enemy within. It is the ‘us in us’ that want to stop us from getting all that have been lined up in store for us. Doubt tells us our tomorrow is bleak and that our chances of making it are equally as bleak. Doubt tells us that we need a Godfather to make it. It shouts from the rooftops that life can only get harder. Its ultimate goal is to knock and snuff the life out of us, so it has us where it wants-six feet deep! Yes, that’s how fatal doubt can become if we live in it. Living in doubt and dying in doubt won’t be too surprising eh? God forbid! No way, we can’t let that be the story of our lives.

We have many days with plenty of sunshine outside our moments. We simply can’t continue in our naivety and ruin a good day. We are much more than doubt says. We can speak to the atmosphere-the sun, moon, stars, and galaxies-to brighten up even our darkest days. Surely, God will let them illuminate our soul, and our bodies and our spirit. There’s no need to live in doubt; even for a minute.

The Glamour in Friendships

The most rewarding friendships are not the most glamorous of them. Neither is it a given that the most enriching of friendships are found in the least glamorous of circles. Giving too much to friendships also does not guarantee the best moments in friendships. And holding back yourself from giving all spells doom for the friendship.
The key to having the most rewarding friendships is fixing your eyes on achieving the purpose of the friendship. And this is true in all circles, glamorous or not. Are you there to bring a smile to the person every time you come across each other; keep smiling. Do you think the next person makes you feel good about your dreams all the time; keep telling the dreams. Is football the topic that keeps both of you upbeat all day long: keep talking football. Does your doing the dishes endear you to the folk...keep doing them dishes. Do your visits make the next person leap; keep at it.
Hey! Won’t any of these make people take you for a ride? The answer is: absolutely yes and obviously no. It just depends on which side you choose to stand for the friendship. If you desire to fulfil purpose in the friendship, there will be many such roller coaster rides. But if you choose to stand in for a while, even the smoothest of rides would be bumpy...at their best.
For friendships to be rewarding they have to be enduring. Hardly have anyone seen ‘flash in the pan’ friendships tell touching stories. They do tell of moments but hardly experiences. And experiences-times of great turmoil, times of glory, times of hurt, times of joy-are hardly moments. Every kind of experiences is interspersed with many moments. And full joy comes with full experiences that go the whole hog. This is what can produce rewarding friendships.
The glamour in friendships can hardly be traded for momentary ‘feel goods’. Good weather, fair weather or bad weather does not bury the glamour. Instead the glamour thrives upon each of them. Yes, there may be knocks, but they do not KO the glamour.
Every moment you remove your eyes from the purpose of the friendship, you push the glamour in them to the wall. And those are moments when we begin to feel that we are giving too much and need to cut back. Or feel that our smiles are not been reciprocated enough, our dreams are beginning to intimidate our friends and our football talk bores them. Really it’s normal to feel these moments in friendships. But allowing those feelings eat deep can suffocate any glamour that we had built in the friendship over time.
Allow your friendships take deep fresh breaths. Discover the purpose for the friendships. Pursue the purpose, achieve the purpose. And live to tell the story of the glamour in the friendships. There is plenty of glamour in that.

When You Measure A Man...

The stage is set...for one of your own to come on. With all of the great aplomb your own has just bungled it again. This time, it is really painful because it was after a third chance for your own to make amends. You have been let down once more. And this time it’s one too many. Your own has tipped you over. He has become a write off. For all you care ‘He can ...off’.
Ooh! That was really hard. ‘’It doesn’t matter,” you say. He can take a walk ‘for all you care’. You have had enough of the valleys and hills to ‘no where’ in your friend’s life. “Enough is enough”. And off you go and leave your friend in his ‘nemesis’.
But if you’ll just hold on, when do you think is the best time to love somebody the most? I mean to be there ...for your own? Is it when yours is all straightened out and all together or when it is all tangled up and pathetic with your pal? Is when somebody’s done good and made things easy for everybody and you? Is that what you think?
A man’s valleys and hills are dreadful moments. They are moments when his hopes and dreams come crashing in his face. And he can’t even decide which part represents honour and which part represents dishonour. Getting by through any means seems to be the most reasonable option. Dignity and pride are at the lowest ebb. That is when your own becomes a toothless rat, stripped bare of anything that made him a man. He is on his knees and there is nothing left ,of him, to love.
And leaving him to all of these misfortunes can be a bigger blow than the let down itself. If there was to be any silver lining in the sky, they will be very bleak to him...since there was no you to point them at them for him. Deciding to ditch your friend and taking your love along with you will be wise...only if you think love is all about red roses. And of course...you are inconsiderate. And you are not done learning.
There is always something left to love. Cry for your friend. Send out a prayer on his behalf...for what he has been through. And for what his ‘been throughs’ have done to him. Show your friend the strength.
The time to love the most is when your own is at his lowest and can’t believe in himself because his ‘been throughs’ and the world around him left him spineless.
Measuring your own by his failures only can present you to be very selfish and lacking wisdom. When you start to measure somebody, it is good that you measure right. Measure your own right. Ensure that you take into account all the hills and valleys that your own has come through before he bungled things up...again.

Fly Above The Clouds

It’s the turn of the year and the perfect time to look forward to new things. What will they be? How will they happen? That’s for another time. This time, we just want to get the ball rolling.
The whole business of getting things sorted out seems to be an unending cycle. But can we get things done? Yes, of course. But will the clouds that always threaten to bring down the heavy downpours of hurt, anguish and horrors give us space?
We are sometimes too determined to go through the hurt and pain that we forget we can fly above them. It’s good to testify of the ‘went-throughs’ but it’s better to testify of the ‘soaring-throughs’.
Life has taught us to stay put and fight all battles. And same life presents a better option of flying above the clouds of challenges. How do we get a hang of this? The fact that we have developed some attachments to fighting through our battles almost makes us believe it is impossible to soar through them.
Now, did I hear somebody say “count your costs before takeoff!”. Well, that’s great but it is never about dismissing the imminent but more of riding high through the situation. It’s not magic. It’s about sorting out things even before things crop up.
This is a step that must be undertaken even before the pressures mount. For any and every venture it will be worthwhile to see through to the end. This requires some great. And thank God we have two eyes. It is an inward search that requires us to respond to our battles and not react to them. Picture potential trouble spots along the way and determine the lines of response from day one. Pronto!
It’s a ‘despite’, ‘in spite of’, ‘never-the-less’, ‘doesn’t–matter’, ‘not-perturbed’ stand in the midst of adversities and storm. Beyond these, it goes on to wearing the corresponding countenances of ‘I-have-been-through-this-before’, ‘this-will-only-turn-out-for-my-good’, and ‘I-know-how-this-will pan out’.
Every disposition and action in this resolve must tell the story of ‘life is still great despite the stormy clouds’. The situation must be made to realise that your bounce, your radiance, your charm, your passion, your tenacity... can never be affected by it.
Hey! It’s not a denial theory. It’s a reality check on the situation that always presents itself as having all the aces. This is because every situation that tends to tear you down is myopic. It has no clue on how you will take it. If you react, the situation wins and if you respond the situation becomes confused. And will flee if it cannot get you down by tearing your mind apart and creating fear, anger and turmoil. It will look helpless if you will not allow it heat you up with vexation.
Upset not yourself. Keep your head above the raging seas and waters. Get on the ride above the clouds. That’s the only way to maintain a clear head and see over the storm. You got to see above the storm. Keep your head up. Take control of the reins of your situation and ride it. Only then will you be flying above the clouds.
Ride baby, ride and enjoy the plesantness that up above the clouds presents.

Stand Up To It!

We have a challenge to bear up under the weight that weighs us down. In fact, life can be hard and can throw at us pretty bad stuff. Many times we are left bare with the things that life throws at us, that we are no party to, nor solicited for or can be blamed for. Life during periods of pain and turmoil like rape, incest, heartbreaks, fatal losses, and long periods of childlessness and joblessness...is termed cruel. Bouts of depression, feelings of regret that can culminate in suicidal thoughts and attempts take their toll on us.
Who will understand? We search deeply and truly wish that our sorrows will fly past us. Try as we may, the stigma and insignia of the pain and hurt won’t just leave. And our resistances continue to plummet in the face of our circumstances. Those times, present the perfect scenarios for us to throw in the towel and succumb to the fiery darts that have pierced our souls. But can we stand up to our misfortunes and misery? Do we have any antidote to the continued pain that continually bears its fangs on us?
Standing up is the answer. And it’s an answer that comes with its fair share of pain and heartaches. Our moments unleash their terror in torrents that make us lose sight of their vulnerability in the face of our resolve. Standing up to our adverse circumstances entails plenty of will and tenacity. This is more so when these are the targets the undesirable aches want to keep out of our reach.
Our will can be strained in the midst of continued exposure to adverse circumstances. This is the reason we have to ensure that we shield our will from the circumstances. In the centre of our crisis situations we have a task to ensure that our will to stand up receives adequate boost from outside the conditions. At those times, we need to get all the help we can to keep up our faith in the reversal of the status. We can only find a way out of our situations if we let our will to stand up to the challenges remain in our focus. Never, should we allow our condition overwhelm us. The more stuff that the state of affairs throw at us the more dogged we need to become in our resolve not to relent or give in.
We can win. And will always win, if we stand up and not despair or become distraught in the face of our adversities. If we realise that we will come off smiling at the end of day, it will do well for us to maintain that composure throughout the road to the reversal of fortunes. No doubt, it is not an easy ride and the route may not easily be discerned. Keep your focus on coming out the victor. That will always keep you going on; no matter how hard it becomes to hold on. Don’t let go, stand up to it and come off better for it.

Confront The Status-quo

Putting the set system to test is one further step many are unwilling to take. Tradition and routine are widespread amongst us because we are ‘satisfied’ with the set order. Challenging the system is in no way a means of bringing disorder to order. It is about putting to test what works and what does not work in the status symbols around the environment.
To face up to the status quo means you understand its workings and are able to project what results the system will always achieve. To defy these known outcomes of the system will require asking the right questions of ‘how can the system change?’ or ‘do the techniques employed in the system have the ability to fabricate the desired changes?’ Many more questions of ‘Who can lead the change?’, ‘What will tax the system to do more to achieve anticipated results?’ and ‘how can the system be put to the test?’
Lethargy and delays are essential elements to be resolved within if the fight to dare the system will be won. This is because a lot of courage, guts and nerves will have to be built up in the run up to status quo. Why is this so? The truth is many folks are feeding fat from the ineffective status quo and will literarily ‘kill’ (if they have to) to keep the order. For these folks, they care less whether the order exists for the benefit of the majority. Honestly, the ‘big picture’ is non-existent in their hearts as they are content with the ‘pocket-size’ portraits and outlooks.
What more will be required? Some provocations...yes, some taunting, some goading and a lot of risks will come into the fray. Ultimatums will have to be issued on the system and the status quo to produce the needed changes. And the timing of the considered necessary ultimatums on the system is crucial if the system will be made to crumble in its face. Remember this: the system has found a way of covering up its lapses over time and tact will be required to expose its frailties in face of churning out obligatory results.
A certain calmness and doggedness with some will and a God-confidence will need to be imbibed in this challenge. Prepare for surprises from the smallest and least quarters. This is so true. Consider and deal with the fact that trusted partners, friends, colleagues, associates and even mates may pose the greatest challenge towards your bringing about the needed change. It should not be over the top for you if the people that will benefit on the long-run do not give the needed support and backing when you want to lean on them.
A lot of ‘despite-the-odds and braving-all-odds’ will be required to re-order the system. A re-ordered system should be capable of reproducing the former results as well as the needed changes. That is what will put the critics of the re-ordering to back off and congratulate you when change is imminent and within reach.
Defy logic, set new standards, be consistent in your drive and bring about change.

Don't Face The World Alone

Being all in one (alone) is never good for anyone. Life is about memories, about relationships, about living, about loving. You just might be doing yourself a great disservice if you set out to face life on your own.
It’s hard to notice when the world around you is ebbing away. It creeps in slowly because work, worries and hell are all fighting for space in your head.
In the midnight times when your worries and doubts have left you bone dry, you get blown out. You look around for help and realise help was long gone. How did you get yourself into this mess?
It is rather easy to tell. You let the work and worries suffocate the energy and vibrancy of your cherished friendships. Your friendships took the best possible route and chose to have some fresh air...elsewhere. Your worries never allowed you to have peace within or even take notice of help sources.
Life was never designed for you to tread its paths on your own. At every point, life designed ‘help meets’ to carry you along. The experiences of people (in books and testimonials), advice and counsels are those help meets. And you will do a lot better being in their midst.
Trust me; life on one’s own is a lonely one. Try it and you will fail at all attempts. You will need some measure of hope, and some strength and some courage and some love. And those are the reasons you don’t need to face the world on your own.
Really, you can’t provide all these by yourself, for yourself. Get rid of the haughty feelings and ‘I-can-handle-it-by-myself’ air. If you will have any push to go on in this life, you will need to lock arms with the next brother, sister, friend, colleague, classmate, and partner. If you truly have aspirations and desire fulfilment, then you need to drop the ‘I-can-pay-the-bills-all-by-myself’ mantra. You will need help along the way. Help will be needed in plenty doses especially at those times when you don’t deserve it.
See the need in your life. Don’t deny it. You'll need somebody to pick you up, brush you off and bring you back every time you fall. Will you ever fall? Yes, many times.
Don’t allow anxiety blind you or get lost in emotions. Do yourself a favour, open up your heart. Don’t face the world alone.

(Re) Align Your Friendhips

Every day we struggle to keep up with the pressures of the different friendships we have. Whether in the home or at work, we are never getting to grips with our friendships.
How can we know which friendships are helpful and which ones are harmful? What can we do to get our ailing friendships back on track and how can we even maintain them afterwards? Who and what can constitute a friend or friendship? What are the things to look out for in friendships?
With just about everything and anything struggling to get our attentions, our friendships should not add to the list. Friendships are to help us focus and not to look around and be on the edge.
I heard a friend once say friendship is not by force. And really, they should never be. Friendships-whether cherished or not-should always be about something. Finding a common ground for friendships will help keep every friendship in its place. And keep you going on and being upbeat about the friendship.
Sincerely, we need to be able to answer in one sentence questions on why we have the friends we have and why the next person doesn’t fit in with our picture of friendship.
It’s good to know that we are friends with the next person because the person helps us get by on the job. Membership of the Arsenal Fan’s Club or the Design Team or the Green hands can also trigger off friendship bells. Obviously, there has to be a reason for friendship.
What of unconditional love? Well, liking somebody because you are obligated to (due to religious doctrines) does not translate to obligatory friendships. This is because there is no such thing as that. Frienships enjoy different degrees of shaing and exchange moments. And unconditionally loving people does not mean they have to become your friends.
On the job, it is vital to get every friendship into perspective. Let friendships align with the overall corporate objectives of the workplace. Friendships that make us spend long hours outside given tasks can only bring headaches. At the same time friendships that will not allow us do what is officially right, will put our company’s bottom-line into jeopardy. The take here is: realise that the friendships in the workplace exist because of the job and the company’s corporate objectives should never be comprised on the platter of the friendships. Discard friendships that tend to get in-between the corporate objectives of your firm and makes you want to twist things even a little bit.
At home, it is vital to know which set of friendships will bring about peaceful co-existence and unity. Relationships with siblings and parents should all be streamlined for the good of the family unit. Hiding behind the facts and telling half-truths due to friendship inclinations will only spell doom for the unit. It is always good to speak up for friendships that are being trampled upon and friendships that can bring about the needed peace around the home. It is vital to know that the friendships here are more of future ties and so openness becomes inevitable.
On campus, establish friendships along particular lines. Get a prayer buddy for religious affiliations. Get a reading partner for specific courses. And get a lecturer friend for the intricacies of balance and moderation on campus.
I forgot intimacy right?
Intimate friendships should be respectful friendships. They should have respect for the next person and his or her time. And such friendships should allow you to be yourself and be free. You can do a lot by keeping the lines of communication open in this cadre.
Mentorship relationships are rare. But they can be found and should be cherished. Let mentors know your struggles and heartaches. Let them know just how much they are appreciated.

Be There For The Tears

Someone you care about
has a broken heart
you want to be a friend
but you don't know where to start
there are no words to say
that could ever be enough
how can you show them your love?
Greg Long

The question is direct. How can you show love to someone you care about when you don’t know where to start?
Severally, we are at a loss. It’s one thing to have the answers to things you can comprehend. It’s a whole new ball game when you don’t have the answers to your friends piercing questions-about heartbreaks, heartaches and headaches.
Those times you realise words are not enough. Hard as you may try, there is no easy way to make them feel alright. And you can only watch as the tears well up in your friend’s eyes. You become numb when you see your friend break into heavy sobs. And all you can gather is an unnerving gaze. And more questions upon questions.
You offer a pat on the back, the tears don’t stop. You offer a handkerchief, the tears only increase. And then it hits you, “just allow the tears”.
Don’t allow the urge to be ‘I-know-it-all’ to stop your friend from enjoying this rare moment-the ‘no-holds-barred’ moment. It is a refreshing experience that every friendship that you hold to heart should experience.
So if you desire to lend your friend your faith and walk them through the dark, help somebody cry. Hold their hand and watch them heal through the tears.

Get Ahead of the Game

Getting through the motions is always awful. Getting caught, especailly with our guards down, leaves us distraught and devastated. And will leave us wishing Life will be kind and eat us up. But hey! how did you get here in the first place?
You see, Life asks its questions way ahead of time. Unfortunately, the many things that (we allow to) clutter our life hardly give room for us to prepare our answers way ahead. And Life will strike with its calamities, hurts, let-downs, losses, frustrations, pains... when we least expect.

Taking five minutes everyday to reflect on the basics will be a very helpful starting point.

Why do we always rush into our days? Who ever said we were best suited for going around in circles? We won't be helping ourselves one bit if we don't sit with ourselves and determine what is good for us and what we are good for.
Make honest assessments of yourself. Don't underestimate your frailties , neither overestimate your abilities. Either way, you will be an easy prey for Life. Self assessments are simple ''What can I take and what can I not take?'' questions that bother on character, integrity, will and reputation. It spills over to 'What am I living for and what can I leave all for?'' These questions will lead you to find your purpose and destiny in this life. Without any known purpose for your life, anything and everything that Life unleashes will get to you.

Next stop, you need to throw some weight behind your self-confidence by adding a God-confidence. The truth here is this: our strengths are by themselves very fallible and will always lead us to the gallows that Life will put before us.
Getting a head of the game, is serious business hunters will testify. It requires some serious planning and real strategies. Our tactics will have to be able to detect danger afar off. And deal with same in the now before they occur.
It's about an insurance policy that will idemnify you ahead of Life's tests, trials, tribulations and turmoils. Remember this: you will always have to bear up under different weights. And you will only survive if you will sit down today and determine what things you allow get to you and what things you will have to bulldose your way to get to.
Plan, Prioritise, Project and Push for the prize-the head of the game. Manage distractions and keep your focus. Get to work in the know, forget the how. The how can only be seen in hindsight long after you've worked it.
Really, you will survive. Get started on the task at hand. Don't allow Life give you the creeps. Respond to its threats-never react. Step out today with the goal of getting ahead of the game. And watch as Life's threats crumble before you in packs.

Expect The Best, Always.

It was a week after the battering. The fact that it was not physical only increased the hurt. The very people I had stuck out my neck, were the ones tearing it into shreds. When my good friend saw through me and my pain, his advice was simple: “Uncle Bobs, don’t expect much from people”.

The reality check was soothing-only momentary though. I realized my friend was just telling me in my face “Hey! Dude, I could also be part of that crowd that want you out!”

So, when I got bashed a year after from a ‘trusted’ friend, my good friend’s theory fitted perfectly. But my standpoint was not getting me my heart’s desires from friendships. Sacrifice, camaraderie, openness, being there…were the ideals I craved for. What did I get? Plenty of selfishness, plenty of ‘out-of-sight-out-of-mind’ friendships and more hurt from friends…left me in great pain, feeling betrayed and being distraught about friendships. After all, I had learnt not to expect much from people. Pronto! That was the problem.

My lowered expectations had produced suspicions in my friends and made them to shut the doors of openness, sacrifice and being there. My flawed expectations were transparent to all. And as I sought a way out of my dilemma, I realized I had to learn to always raise the ante. I had to expect the best always.

It will make more sense to always keep your expectations high. That’s the only way to get rid of the suspicions that hinder our friends from giving us the best.

“Once beaten, twice shy?” “No, that will not hold water”. Our experiences are to make us better and not bitter. They should never inhibit us from experiencing the fullness thereof. Never use them as control mechanisms. They will only undo us by lowering our expectations from our relationships.

It doesn’t hurt to expect the best. If anybody has a problem with you expecting the best from your friendships, then it’s the person’s problem. A point to note though: give people the room to rise to your expectations. It will always be a great self destruct when you lower your expectations.

Once heard a preacher say, “Don’t ask for anything, ask for all things”. It’s not about whether you can expect the best. It’s about whether you will. There is no harm in your expecting the best..anytime, anywhere, anyhow.

Kill Your Propensities and Proclivities

yRight from the word go, they have never brought us any good. But we hardly learn our lessons. We get caught up in the cloud and will always tilt towards them. Why is it so?
"They are just natural" may be an apt reply. Does that mean we are really helpless in the face of them? Do we have any sort of control over them? "Oh my heavens, yes!". Do lies and exaggerations, cheating and callousness...have a firm grip on us? ''Hell no!"
Our propensities represent those tendencies for particular kinds of behaviour. They are never so powerful in themselves. They rapidly take up space within us and grow-the space we allow them to. The more space they fill up, the more they make us feel helpless.
What of our proclivities? Every tendency and feeling that makes us want to do something-usually something bad make for our proclivities. A proclivity for sex, or criminality will thus be in place.
Any connections? Well, they both seem to flow freely from our inside. "Aha!" you may say now. But hold on. It's more than that.
Really, think about the chaos that will be in place if every one responded to their natural inclinations freely without recourse to second thoughts. We are not animals. Never. We represent the highest form of beings and can do well to remain there.
I know sometimes (or as we may erroneously think, most times) lies keep us from harm. But for how long can we keep the pendulum swinging only in the direction of the lies. Don't miss this: we have total control over our actions. We tend to find reasons and excuses for cover up. Whatever reasons- cogent or not-they will remain excuses.
What's wrong with having sex all the time? Moderation should be the key in every action. Can you keep eating all day and not have adverse effects?
We can set ourselves free from every propensity and proclivity that we have given in to. Don't take a mad dash into the crowd. Life is a marathon, so go slow... and steady. Don't get caught up in the rush-to be part of the clique or group, or class. If you do, that's one sure way to set your propensities and proclivities on the go.
What's more? Set ideal goals for yourself. If you can't go the whole hog, say so. Don't give impressions that you've 'got-it-going-on' when 'it-has-got-you-going-on'. It will save you from embarassments that our propensities and proclivities thrive on.
Sometimes, it's good to be laughed at. Enjoy those times. And look forward to times you can be laughed with. Really, vengeance does no good. It can only eat you hollow. And vengeance provides a good breeding ground too.
There is so much more. Any thing that easily sways us into doing the things we will regret, does not mean good for us. And our propensities and proclivities will always bring along plenty regrets.
We can always do without half-truths, because in their best forms, they are simply lies. Live within your means. This in no way negates higher aspirations. It's the contentment and joy you stand to gain that is the focus here. And contentment and joy present great anti-dotes to our propensities and proclivities. Just as a pervading peace and understanding of life can do.
Last word: our propensities and proclivities can only set us against ourselves. Let's get rid of them anyhow. It may take a while and you may stumble now and then. And even get trampled upon by the very prospensities and proclivities. But keep keeping on. Don't stop on the tracks, you've got to fight to the end. And set yourselve loose.

Leaking and Ticking?

There is a tremendous staying power God has put on our inside. True. If you are reading this, it means you are a survivor.
Life has its ups and downs. The irony is that when we fix one thing another one comes. The cycle is non-stop. At work, in school, at home it’s always a struggle to keep up. It’s maddening but it’s something that we are keeping at (great or small).
The intrigue is that we appear never undone by the cycle. Hey! Sometimes, we do get under. The times our energies, abilities and strength pour out before our eyes, we are not it. But we somehow, always manage to get on the bounce. The bounce? Yes, every moment you can smile about and can afford to laugh and be laughed at present bounce times.
Here’s the trick to shrug off those leaking moments. Let the world around you know you are on the bounce again. Let it show. Give the world around you some freshness. You can decide to do some cleaning up. Put some things straight in the house. Go around the neighbourhood. Call up old friends and former schoolmates-just to say ‘it’s been a while’ or ‘I stumbled on your number in an old diary and called to say hi’. If there are some things you’d left in the cooler for sometime (I mean plans), this will be a perfect time to go over them again.
How about a text or a mail? Generally, be good to yourself and spoil yourself ‘only a little’. If you can afford it, take a day off and lodge in a hotel. And ask for room service. If you can also swim, then don’t hesitate to visit the pool. And if you have been too self-confident, this will be a nice time to put on some God-confidence. After all, God has got your back covered. In fact, it is His back-up plan that always brings you around the bend.
If you can, open up wide your mouth and shout to all: ‘I’m back, bigger, better, and stronger’.
And even to your self: ‘I am the one that can take a leaking and keep on ticking’.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock... Can you hear the clock? It’s time to rock and roll.

Those Silent Frustrations

You wouldn’t even wish them for your enemies. No, not even the worst of them. It’s the tug you feel in those quiet moments. It’s those memories that won’t go away. Am I being paranoid? No way!

It’s a reality you thought you had dealt with. It’s that feeling of being locked-up within. You can hardly talk about it-freely-to anyone. You would rather talk in bits and pieces. You are careful not to let the details out.

Each day you feel a part of you erode. The tears are heavy in those times. Who will understand? Who will listen? You will be so glad if you could find someone, anyone,who will help you cry. The tears seem to have been compromised. Or how else can you explain why they well up so heavy but would hardly form any drops.

In their varied forms-heartbreaks, let-downs, betrayals, illicit sex, deadly diseases-our silent frustrations give us a platform to reflect. And that is the good part of the deal. Those are times when decisions are arrived at and vows made. We are ready to exchange anything we have to ensure that our frustrations disappear. The silver-lining in those stormy times, is the opportunity of a turn-around that is presented.

When the turn–around comes, we become very eager to blurt out our frustrations to folks. Our silent frustrations mean that we are facing a reality check. And that check is the basis for character formation. We can’t really be frustrated beyond what we bargained for. But we can achieve a lot more from what we make of the frustrations.

It’s about changing our approach. And of course, attitude by wiping our eyes dry and embracing the challenge headlong. Don’t sweat it, just confess it. We all get stuck in a corner. But we can’t afford the luxury of been frustrated. That is because it was never designed to be that way.
If you’d stop and remember this: our trials come to make us strong. Yes, you can. Stop doubting.
You are more than your frustrations.

"Worth it?"

Did I hear you say “worth it?”

There are some things you don’t want to think about. It’s a huge struggle to keep your mind off them. You try but sometimes (if not most times) you fail.
Remember the first time you lost ‘it’? When you let your hair down and let the buttons loose? And undid the hooks and unzipped the trousers? Then the heartbeats increased and the anxiety increased and how your heart thumped faster with every passing second?
“Stop!” you manage to mutter. But it’s only within because you can hardly hear yourself now. The hormones are rambling and clanging and there is so much pandemonium around. Only this time, you understand perfectly, the scenario and you can name every troubled spot and its noise zones. Your heartbeat, your head, your body are all screaming hollow.
That is as far as it matters. “Don’t be paranoid, enjoy the moment!” your ‘better’ half yells. “Phew!” and you let go, and let your body and the hormones and your cravings take charge.
“Stuff tastes pretty ordinary,” you say to yourself. “Is this all?” you ask blandly. “Maybe, just maybe there is more”. But that is that and off you go...all the way. At this point it’s a struggle to keep track of the now unfolding events. The racing of your mind, the pounding of your heart and the ramblings in your head hardly give room for that.
In a little while it’s over. You pick what is left of your body. And realise, you’ve got to pick up something...anything. You realise suddenly, you don’t want anyone to start asking “Did you lose something or leave anything behind somewhere?” because you have been prancing the hallway for thirty or more times. You don’t want to hear peering questions as to why your hair is flying (in different directions), your trouser flyer is undone and the hook has nearly come off and is conspicuously out of shape (because you hurriedly fastened the straps and shirt in one heap of confusion).
The very hormones, cravings, body language and chemistry that constituted your best pals suddenly turn cowards (more or less hypocrites). As you gather yourself, your being-the you in you- starts popping up with questions. Only then, you remember vividly the grin-on the face of your ‘conqueror’. “Goat,” you curse silently.
In a corner-all by you- the tears come in torrents. Many ‘whys’ rear their –ugly or not-head “It’s okay girl,” a sympathiser says comfortingly. And adds: “It has happened. Just move on”. “Move on? In what direction, you inquire starry-facedly. The sympathiser responds by giving you a pat on the back. He understands that words won’t be enough to answer that question. “You have been through it. So choose the direction yourself,” he says on his inside.
“Oh girl, this time you blew it,” the ‘you in you’ says. The ‘you outside you’ responds in an audible voice “Don’t sweat it, it was worth it. At least you can say that you ...” “Stop it!” you scream even before the ‘you outside you’ finishes. “Did I hear you say worth it?” Oh no!

Don't Thrash Difficult People

It started out as a normal church talk. But it finished as a saving grace.
How many times have we wished that some difficult people will just disappear from our lives? An annoying colleague, an overbearing aunty, a grit-edged father and an ‘iron-lady’ for a mother... when will they just go from us? Maybe that’s putting it really hard. Consider this: why will your colleague in the office always be on the opposition? How come Aunt Sally has no love for you? What on earth makes your father so insensitive? I mean what profit does your mother get by always being on your neck? Why can’t Uncle Fred be (even for once) different from the cruel person you have always perceived him to be?
On another hand why will your brother never get his hands to do some domestic work? Why do you have to be the person to always do the dishes? I could go on. But the real question is why won’t God just make difficult people disappear from our lives? Why does he even make such people emanate from your backyard? Why does he make them the ones we can’t easily denounce and reject?
The truth is God is always preparing us. That’s putting it mildly. He is always fine-tuning us. That should be the reason. I mean why has your aches and pains from these difficult folks not gotten God’s attention all these years? He wants your rough edges to smoothen out. What is he doing by allowing these folks get to you? He is simply removing the brass, sandpapering you and chiselling the flakes that dot your side.
Before you switch off and say “Enough! Don’t tell me that”, think about all those times. How come you had not poisoned them to death? And also have found you doing stuff over and over again with same folks, day -in and day-out?
Hey! Don’t bother. Running away will do you no good. The battles we fight and run from today, are just around the bend tomorrow. They will show up anyhow, unannounced or otherwise.
The trick: Ask God to give you the grace to understand their purposes in your life. Besides who said that every person will be nice to you? Even Jesus Christ, had enemies and people who sought to take him to the grave on a daily basis, from within and without. Any reason why you should be spared?
Another trick: Change your attitude towards them. Be friendlier. Smile more. Get worked up no more. Don’t fume. Stop complaining. Lend a hand of friendship. Keep them close. And love unconditionally.
What if this brings no change? Try it out first. Leave the rest. You will be shocked how you will pass this life test with flying colours. Don’t rehearse it. Reverse it.

Pressure to Impress

It's more than subtle. The shoes that stick out, the ties that neatly adorn shirts, the cars that fly past...They present constant reminders to the many things we need to get going around us. It is a cycle that we wake up to everyday. The pressures that build on our relationships are even more pronounced. No matter the extent of our commitment, a silent but prodding pressure always makes demands. The pressure to be on top of our relationships is capable of producing headaches. Not just ordinary headaches, but nagging ones. It's not a funny situation. But it exists in the different forms and levels of relationships we have and wish to keep going on.

How does it all start? Constantly, we have models of what we want to have our relationships to look like. The effect: we are constantly on the look out for everything and anything that would help us attain our 'lofty heights'. While on the look-out, we become easily swayed and get entangled. We take on more than we can handle. Our erroneous 'one-size-fits-all' beliefs picked up while on the look-out, pursue us. The result: we are on the run, striving to be ahead but not realising that we are within reach. Remember the times, you had to buy the gift or give up that time because you felt you would loose your friend? Remember how you had to spend crazy because you didn't want to appear 'tight-fisted' in the midst of your cash crunch? Holy Mo! if only you had realised, at that time, that what you feared most would catch up with you. In hindsight, you would realise that all your super hero efforts went with the wind. They never really left a mark, and when the storms came, your friend hardly remembered the sacrifices.

Hey! I am not advocating that you leave out all the sacrifices. I mean what would become of friendships then. The crux of the matter: allow your self space. Do not give in to the pressure. The maddening pressure to impress that leaves you vulnerable and not very thoughtful. Always look at the big picture. That's the first step towards getting off the pressure train. Pause, ponder before acting. Answers to questions such as 'I'm I doing this because I want to?, I'm I in this because I believe it's better off? ...need to be given. In doing that you would discover that there would be reason to take things in stride. In taking things in stride, you would have a clear sense of judgement. The offshoot of the process, is that you would make lasting impressions in your relationships. Those impressions would be the holding fabric of every relationship when the world threatens to leave it thread-bare.

It's not too late. Step on the breaks. Get off and get going. You can do a lot more without the pressure. Don't you think so?

Between Love's Respect and Fear's Respect

It all started like a simple gist. After thirty minutes we were still on it. It was about respect; the best way a man could earn it. My first friend, the source of the argument would not relent. He was clear about his stand. For him, a man that is the head of his family, deserved respect. And nobody could argue on that. The problem was his insistence that the respect had to be gotten by instilling fear. He made it clear that by instilling fear, the man could be guaranteed of total respect from his children and wife. Now that was already scary. As I listened further on, he made it clear that the respect sought here was for the benefit of the man only. And he could get that by ensuring that his family remained in perpetual awe of him.

It got my mind back to my early days. Did I respect my father out of fear or out of reverence? Anyway my first friend had insisted that it would require so much work and many extras for respect to be derived out of love!!! Well whatever the extra's were, my mind did want to go there. I was more interested in the end result-the impact of the respect born out of fear-on the children. It was really giving me the creeps but I managed to play the whole of my childhood over in two minutes. Really my father loved me, but was that the reason why i respected him or was it because I was afraid of him? Well, a second friend, tried pointing out some differences between fear as a verb and fear as a verb. I could not really get his analysis straightened in my head. But I knew something was amiss about my friend's theory.

The next day I still could remember the sailent points and questions. Do we really respect our father's or men out of love or out of the fear of what they could do to us. Was the fear of the unknown-the uncertainty of the consequences we may suffer- that made us give up our voice?

Last lines: wouldn't love present us with a respect that is enriching. I mean a respect that would stand the test of time and had nothing to do with being intimidated or bullied? The truth-as I told myself- respect born out of love would sure outlast and outwit any respect based or fear of harm or reprimand. It takes a lot for the male ego to swallow that. We all demand respect in subtle ways. But whether we would go all out -even if it means by intimidating the folks around us to get that- or would rather think up creativenly lovely ways of getting that, is a measure of how much wisdom we have attained. What do you think?

Love & Life

The power of oneness is awesome. Love and life always thrive on that strength. The yearning for inspiring human connections resonates deep. And between us, the staying power, the ins and the outs… that make for good love and a fulfilling life, abound. The relationships, the people, the habits, the lifestyles, the issues… that shape love and life, always take centre stage.