(Re) Align Your Friendhips

Every day we struggle to keep up with the pressures of the different friendships we have. Whether in the home or at work, we are never getting to grips with our friendships.
How can we know which friendships are helpful and which ones are harmful? What can we do to get our ailing friendships back on track and how can we even maintain them afterwards? Who and what can constitute a friend or friendship? What are the things to look out for in friendships?
With just about everything and anything struggling to get our attentions, our friendships should not add to the list. Friendships are to help us focus and not to look around and be on the edge.
I heard a friend once say friendship is not by force. And really, they should never be. Friendships-whether cherished or not-should always be about something. Finding a common ground for friendships will help keep every friendship in its place. And keep you going on and being upbeat about the friendship.
Sincerely, we need to be able to answer in one sentence questions on why we have the friends we have and why the next person doesn’t fit in with our picture of friendship.
It’s good to know that we are friends with the next person because the person helps us get by on the job. Membership of the Arsenal Fan’s Club or the Design Team or the Green hands can also trigger off friendship bells. Obviously, there has to be a reason for friendship.
What of unconditional love? Well, liking somebody because you are obligated to (due to religious doctrines) does not translate to obligatory friendships. This is because there is no such thing as that. Frienships enjoy different degrees of shaing and exchange moments. And unconditionally loving people does not mean they have to become your friends.
On the job, it is vital to get every friendship into perspective. Let friendships align with the overall corporate objectives of the workplace. Friendships that make us spend long hours outside given tasks can only bring headaches. At the same time friendships that will not allow us do what is officially right, will put our company’s bottom-line into jeopardy. The take here is: realise that the friendships in the workplace exist because of the job and the company’s corporate objectives should never be comprised on the platter of the friendships. Discard friendships that tend to get in-between the corporate objectives of your firm and makes you want to twist things even a little bit.
At home, it is vital to know which set of friendships will bring about peaceful co-existence and unity. Relationships with siblings and parents should all be streamlined for the good of the family unit. Hiding behind the facts and telling half-truths due to friendship inclinations will only spell doom for the unit. It is always good to speak up for friendships that are being trampled upon and friendships that can bring about the needed peace around the home. It is vital to know that the friendships here are more of future ties and so openness becomes inevitable.
On campus, establish friendships along particular lines. Get a prayer buddy for religious affiliations. Get a reading partner for specific courses. And get a lecturer friend for the intricacies of balance and moderation on campus.
I forgot intimacy right?
Intimate friendships should be respectful friendships. They should have respect for the next person and his or her time. And such friendships should allow you to be yourself and be free. You can do a lot by keeping the lines of communication open in this cadre.
Mentorship relationships are rare. But they can be found and should be cherished. Let mentors know your struggles and heartaches. Let them know just how much they are appreciated.

Get Ahead of the Game

Getting through the motions is always awful. Getting caught, especailly with our guards down, leaves us distraught and devastated. And will leave us wishing Life will be kind and eat us up. But hey! how did you get here in the first place?
You see, Life asks its questions way ahead of time. Unfortunately, the many things that (we allow to) clutter our life hardly give room for us to prepare our answers way ahead. And Life will strike with its calamities, hurts, let-downs, losses, frustrations, pains... when we least expect.

Taking five minutes everyday to reflect on the basics will be a very helpful starting point.

Why do we always rush into our days? Who ever said we were best suited for going around in circles? We won't be helping ourselves one bit if we don't sit with ourselves and determine what is good for us and what we are good for.
Make honest assessments of yourself. Don't underestimate your frailties , neither overestimate your abilities. Either way, you will be an easy prey for Life. Self assessments are simple ''What can I take and what can I not take?'' questions that bother on character, integrity, will and reputation. It spills over to 'What am I living for and what can I leave all for?'' These questions will lead you to find your purpose and destiny in this life. Without any known purpose for your life, anything and everything that Life unleashes will get to you.

Next stop, you need to throw some weight behind your self-confidence by adding a God-confidence. The truth here is this: our strengths are by themselves very fallible and will always lead us to the gallows that Life will put before us.
Getting a head of the game, is serious business hunters will testify. It requires some serious planning and real strategies. Our tactics will have to be able to detect danger afar off. And deal with same in the now before they occur.
It's about an insurance policy that will idemnify you ahead of Life's tests, trials, tribulations and turmoils. Remember this: you will always have to bear up under different weights. And you will only survive if you will sit down today and determine what things you allow get to you and what things you will have to bulldose your way to get to.
Plan, Prioritise, Project and Push for the prize-the head of the game. Manage distractions and keep your focus. Get to work in the know, forget the how. The how can only be seen in hindsight long after you've worked it.
Really, you will survive. Get started on the task at hand. Don't allow Life give you the creeps. Respond to its threats-never react. Step out today with the goal of getting ahead of the game. And watch as Life's threats crumble before you in packs.

Expect The Best, Always.

It was a week after the battering. The fact that it was not physical only increased the hurt. The very people I had stuck out my neck, were the ones tearing it into shreds. When my good friend saw through me and my pain, his advice was simple: “Uncle Bobs, don’t expect much from people”.

The reality check was soothing-only momentary though. I realized my friend was just telling me in my face “Hey! Dude, I could also be part of that crowd that want you out!”

So, when I got bashed a year after from a ‘trusted’ friend, my good friend’s theory fitted perfectly. But my standpoint was not getting me my heart’s desires from friendships. Sacrifice, camaraderie, openness, being there…were the ideals I craved for. What did I get? Plenty of selfishness, plenty of ‘out-of-sight-out-of-mind’ friendships and more hurt from friends…left me in great pain, feeling betrayed and being distraught about friendships. After all, I had learnt not to expect much from people. Pronto! That was the problem.

My lowered expectations had produced suspicions in my friends and made them to shut the doors of openness, sacrifice and being there. My flawed expectations were transparent to all. And as I sought a way out of my dilemma, I realized I had to learn to always raise the ante. I had to expect the best always.

It will make more sense to always keep your expectations high. That’s the only way to get rid of the suspicions that hinder our friends from giving us the best.

“Once beaten, twice shy?” “No, that will not hold water”. Our experiences are to make us better and not bitter. They should never inhibit us from experiencing the fullness thereof. Never use them as control mechanisms. They will only undo us by lowering our expectations from our relationships.

It doesn’t hurt to expect the best. If anybody has a problem with you expecting the best from your friendships, then it’s the person’s problem. A point to note though: give people the room to rise to your expectations. It will always be a great self destruct when you lower your expectations.

Once heard a preacher say, “Don’t ask for anything, ask for all things”. It’s not about whether you can expect the best. It’s about whether you will. There is no harm in your expecting the best..anytime, anywhere, anyhow.

Leaking and Ticking?

There is a tremendous staying power God has put on our inside. True. If you are reading this, it means you are a survivor.
Life has its ups and downs. The irony is that when we fix one thing another one comes. The cycle is non-stop. At work, in school, at home it’s always a struggle to keep up. It’s maddening but it’s something that we are keeping at (great or small).
The intrigue is that we appear never undone by the cycle. Hey! Sometimes, we do get under. The times our energies, abilities and strength pour out before our eyes, we are not it. But we somehow, always manage to get on the bounce. The bounce? Yes, every moment you can smile about and can afford to laugh and be laughed at present bounce times.
Here’s the trick to shrug off those leaking moments. Let the world around you know you are on the bounce again. Let it show. Give the world around you some freshness. You can decide to do some cleaning up. Put some things straight in the house. Go around the neighbourhood. Call up old friends and former schoolmates-just to say ‘it’s been a while’ or ‘I stumbled on your number in an old diary and called to say hi’. If there are some things you’d left in the cooler for sometime (I mean plans), this will be a perfect time to go over them again.
How about a text or a mail? Generally, be good to yourself and spoil yourself ‘only a little’. If you can afford it, take a day off and lodge in a hotel. And ask for room service. If you can also swim, then don’t hesitate to visit the pool. And if you have been too self-confident, this will be a nice time to put on some God-confidence. After all, God has got your back covered. In fact, it is His back-up plan that always brings you around the bend.
If you can, open up wide your mouth and shout to all: ‘I’m back, bigger, better, and stronger’.
And even to your self: ‘I am the one that can take a leaking and keep on ticking’.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock... Can you hear the clock? It’s time to rock and roll.

Pressure to Impress

It's more than subtle. The shoes that stick out, the ties that neatly adorn shirts, the cars that fly past...They present constant reminders to the many things we need to get going around us. It is a cycle that we wake up to everyday. The pressures that build on our relationships are even more pronounced. No matter the extent of our commitment, a silent but prodding pressure always makes demands. The pressure to be on top of our relationships is capable of producing headaches. Not just ordinary headaches, but nagging ones. It's not a funny situation. But it exists in the different forms and levels of relationships we have and wish to keep going on.

How does it all start? Constantly, we have models of what we want to have our relationships to look like. The effect: we are constantly on the look out for everything and anything that would help us attain our 'lofty heights'. While on the look-out, we become easily swayed and get entangled. We take on more than we can handle. Our erroneous 'one-size-fits-all' beliefs picked up while on the look-out, pursue us. The result: we are on the run, striving to be ahead but not realising that we are within reach. Remember the times, you had to buy the gift or give up that time because you felt you would loose your friend? Remember how you had to spend crazy because you didn't want to appear 'tight-fisted' in the midst of your cash crunch? Holy Mo! if only you had realised, at that time, that what you feared most would catch up with you. In hindsight, you would realise that all your super hero efforts went with the wind. They never really left a mark, and when the storms came, your friend hardly remembered the sacrifices.

Hey! I am not advocating that you leave out all the sacrifices. I mean what would become of friendships then. The crux of the matter: allow your self space. Do not give in to the pressure. The maddening pressure to impress that leaves you vulnerable and not very thoughtful. Always look at the big picture. That's the first step towards getting off the pressure train. Pause, ponder before acting. Answers to questions such as 'I'm I doing this because I want to?, I'm I in this because I believe it's better off? ...need to be given. In doing that you would discover that there would be reason to take things in stride. In taking things in stride, you would have a clear sense of judgement. The offshoot of the process, is that you would make lasting impressions in your relationships. Those impressions would be the holding fabric of every relationship when the world threatens to leave it thread-bare.

It's not too late. Step on the breaks. Get off and get going. You can do a lot more without the pressure. Don't you think so?