Not Just Sex

There is plenty to explore for young men. Their make-up, grooming and awareness give room for plenty of adventure. And for every exploration and adventure there is a prize. It is believed that the prospect of having a woman as a reward of any adventure is fascinating for men.  Thus, it’s no surprise that girls are groomed to be wary of the men around them. They are brought up to believe that the men who come around them have ulterior motives.

The cases of many men in wolf’s skins have done little for men’s reputation. The provable stories of girls who were naive with men, being taken advantage of, have also not enhanced men’s profiles. Violations, rape, incest, unwanted pregnancies...all have the imprints of men; very damning imprints. But will it be right to brand all men as birds of a feather, leopards who will not change their spots and cunning foxes whenever a woman is involved?

It is a hard call; nonetheless, it is also a worthy one - men are not only thinking about sex around women. It is depressing to hear the cliché ‘all men are the same’. That’s a big lie that has been sold to female folk over the years.  Without any advocacy tone, men do have a life outside women and sex and being freaky. Men do have a sense of destiny. And this can make men go the whole hog without any sexual demands. Men do act without any strings attached. They do mean well for women when they mean well.

Playing the numbers game for sexual offences will not do any favours to men, agreed. But there are also plenty of men who genuinely desire to see woman get the best out of life. Men exist who want to be a part of the answers to a woman’s prayer. Definitely they do not want to add to a woman’s tears and anguish at any point. Moments of disappointment in the relationship will occur, but the disappointments will not be along the lines of ‘even you, I never expected this?’

There are few good men we have also heard. But these few good men are directly proportional to the few good women around. That a woman expects every man to ask for sexual gratifications for help received from men does her psyche no good. This takes the shine of a rewarding friendship and adds to the man’s frustrations. Men can be men: responsible and visionary. This is what drives them and makes them want to lay their all.

It is pathetic thinking that all-men-are-no-good. It is very disappointing seeing that women offer themselves as a thank-you gift for all you have done’ to men. Men do derive pleasure from helping out. They do find fulfilment in shaping a woman’s destiny. They would gladly put their resources and manpower to work to see that good is perpetuated in the land.

Men are not animals, they are created beings: to effect and affect change. They do care for women a lot. This should not be misconstrued to mean they are after sex every time. For them, there are many pleasurable things than sexual pleasures: a good name, a life well spent and making heaven. This is true.

It takes more than beauty

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Oh my! there are many beauties to behold in life. I mean dead gorgeous beautiful damsels that can keep you drooling. The beauty that makes you wonder ‘where on earth did this one appear from?’ is one that always catches our fancy. It is one that can make us tingle and keep us on the edge. Such is this beauty that makes many a young man ask ‘how did I get myself entangled in this?’

There are the hunks too – the tall-dark-and- handsome and so handsome ones. Those with the six-packs can put many a young lady’s desires to test. They turn the heads of all who desire a strong man to be there for them to hold them. But beyond all of the good looks and strong arms is there more to be desired.

Yes! We always want the best and good looking folks to be our buddies, pals, friends, confidant, spouses and ... What of the rest of the ‘fearfully-made‘ and the just okay folks, do they have something in store for us? Can we see things in them that we may never find in the beautiful ones that have been born? Head-to-head, wit-for-wit, heart–to-heart, will they measure up? Despite the seeming face-to-face, curve-for-curve, bicep-for- bicep deficiencies, will they give us any sense of worth?

Beauty, just like riches can be deceitful. All that glitters is not gold. That‘s the reason we may need to pause and ponder when beauty plays on our sensitivities and choices. That beauty is fleeting is a no-brainer. This is because all the nice curves and muscles will eventually turn to flab. All of them ‘pointed things’ and ‘fleshy curves’ will obey gravity’s call sooner or later. When this happens, will we still be turned on by our beauty-clouded minds?

Substance and worth is from within. These can be contained in a beautiful and a just-okay body with or without curves. This should inform most of our choices and preferences. Substance is what is required on the job. Character is needed to build a dream career. Good homes are built on a strong sense of value. Great friendships and relationships outlast good looks.

If we will take a moment and think it through, it takes more than beauty to make it in life. Beauty may get us some favours in the now and may also do us some disservice when it all wears out. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. We can choose to behold beauty in the most unlikely of persons with the most unlikely of looks and still be happy. Joy, fulfilment and pride can still be ours if we will chose substance above beauty. Be assured of this, you will never miss out on life: in this age and at all times.

Let them know they can go far

Yes! It’s all coming back to me. The words are still very clear nearly twenty-five years after they were first spoken to me. “The school you are going to...nobody comes second, everybody comes first,” my mom told me. She added, “They give prizes and certificates to all who come first.” I was on the verge of changing primary schools and those words were a tonic. I took them, hook, line and sinker. “I’ve got to be first too then,” I told myself. “And receive the gifts and certificates.”

That was all I needed for a swell time in my educational pursuits. It was a rallying point that saw me make progress from the fifth position, through fourth to second and eventually first in four consecutive terms. I was over the roof. One day, I heard these words “that’s the boy that came first” from another classmate, even as she pointed my way. I felt good and also kept my place at the top throughout primary school.

In secondary school, I needed no additional impetus. I needed to stay tops. Though it was in bits and pieces, those pieces were the most crucial attention grabbing ones. The bits also came with plenty of publicity with numerous accolades to show for them. I did just enough to be considered as one of the brightest in academic work.

University posed its challenges, but I was never going to give in. No never! I had come too far; I just could not give up. “I’ve got to make it. I just have to,” I kept telling myself. I did just that.  In the midst of turmoil, I picked up some courage and pulled through in the tightest of situations.

I had been set up by my mum. I just could not afford to bungle the great belief my mother had in me. I knew my mother trusted me to pull through even the tightest of angles, if it came to my academics. Even in these days, she does that subtly. She makes me know that my place is at the top - before mean men. These days I feel, I’m even closer than I can imagine. Step by step, my mom had set me up. She had put some self belief in me and told me of the immense potentials and backings I had at my disposal. She made me think special about myself.

Every day that comes my way, I believe I’ve got it inside of me to pull through. The days I could not brace up, God did step in. I can go that far, to highest pinnacle of every endeavour. I was told and supported along those lines. I’ve got to spread the word to my siblings, friends, relations, children, colleagues, associates. I have to let them know they can go that far - to the very top of their dreams and visions.

No need to live in doubt

The tough moments of life shake us to our foundations. Because these moments come tailor-made, it looks like no one will ever understand. This sets us up in frenzy. And as we turn every corner, we consciously or otherwise tend to look for solutions. These solutions, we seek never seem to be on time. And so we set ourselves up against the tide, and become forlorn. This is where we become vulnerable and retreat only into our world.

When doubt sets in, it can become a huge struggle to shake it off. For us, the world is as ‘it is’ - always setting us up against ourselves. We refuse to see the world as ‘it should be’. We lose track of our surroundings. We stop dreaming. We refuse to believe. “Whatever will be, will be,” we declare to ourselves.

Doubt set us up to brood over life. We forget that life itself has been designed for ups and downs. And that our down moments don’t have strangle-holds on our up moments. Most times we doubt because we have allowed circumstances and happenstances erode our faith -our self confidence and our God confidence. We try to put the puzzle together and never seem to do it right. We try to get answers from outside sources that are at best ephemeral.

Doubt can set us up to self destruct. We can fall prey to vices such as pornography, stealing, smoking, drinking, sex and the likes. Really, doubt in all of its ramifications is the enemy within. It is the ‘us in us’ that want to stop us from getting all that have been lined up in store for us. Doubt tells us our tomorrow is bleak and that our chances of making it are equally as bleak. Doubt tells us that we need a Godfather to make it. It shouts from the rooftops that life can only get harder. Its ultimate goal is to knock and snuff the life out of us, so it has us where it wants-six feet deep! Yes, that’s how fatal doubt can become if we live in it. Living in doubt and dying in doubt won’t be too surprising eh? God forbid! No way, we can’t let that be the story of our lives.

We have many days with plenty of sunshine outside our moments. We simply can’t continue in our naivety and ruin a good day. We are much more than doubt says. We can speak to the atmosphere-the sun, moon, stars, and galaxies-to brighten up even our darkest days. Surely, God will let them illuminate our soul, and our bodies and our spirit. There’s no need to live in doubt; even for a minute.